Just in case you missed me

I hope that one day you will wake up and suffocate.

You will start bleeding and your head hurts like hell.

Your heart beats so fast, you think it almost explode.

You sweat so much, but your throat is so dry as you try to scream for help, but nothing comes out.

Every inch of your bones cracks and breaks, and you can't walk or run, or even move a finger.

Your eyes burn as you slowly go blind, and things around you go dark even when the sun is shining ever so bright.

Your anamnesis slowly giving up on you, and you forget all the memories you cherish..

I hope one day you will wake up, suffocate, break every bone in your body, forget everything else in your life – because you missed me too much, and your brain will bleed like you were on a brain tumor whenever you think of me, but you can't think of anything else besides me, no matter how hard you try.

I hope you can't eat or breathe, or functioned well, I hope you can't ejaculate because I'm the only one who can ever turn you on again. I hope you miss me so bad that it will hurt you so much, you wish you were dead instead.

By that time, I will be living my life and forget that you were once an almost-important part of my life.

 

Jakarta, May 28, 2012

-Deisha T

The Reason Why I Never Stop

This is why I keep on going

This is why I always roam the earth

How can you give up on this?

This is my oxygen,

the reason why I breathe..

You don’t stop,

never,

ever,

stop.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jakarta, Jan 12 2012

-Deisha T

(Photo taken at Danau/Lake Diatas & Danau Dibawah, Padang, West Sumatra, Indonesia)

 

P.S. Happy belated New Year

9 Days, 3 Countries: A contemplation (Part I)

In the beginning…

I never realized how impulsive I actually am, until I was home on November 28^th, 2011 – I was finally back home in Jakarta, Indonesia, from a trip across 3 countries in 9 days *and it took me a month later to actually start this contemplation*. No, don’t get all “WOW, YOU’RE SO FUCKING RICH DEISHA!” just yet – it wasn’t money, nor all the material things the world can offer that took me all the way through South China Sea back and forth, it was merely guts (and 80% of that impulsiveness also contributed).

I mean I was 21 years old (now i'm 22, my bday was on Nov 26th if you still want to congratulate me, haha), freshly graduated from university, already got a job since I was still in Uni and swear to God I enjoyed it so much, recently single (uh-huh)… On October I was blessed with a quick fast-money-making gig, and I had been saving for some time, with all those money, I should do good to my saving before I allocated it to a more wicked impulsive act of shopping!

Plus all these thoughts of: What the hell should I do with my life??! Excuse me, but I’m not gonna waste my time sitting around trying to figure out what I’m gonna be in five years, nope sir (well I will figure it out, along the way). I want to live my life.. Living that wicked 20s.. And like all of a sudden, as if I just got a brain cancer, I figured it out, I want to travel! I simply what to understand other life, other culture, other parts of the world – if I don’t understand it, at least I have experienced it or try to accept it: “I’ve had enough of you Jakarta, for 21 years I’ve put up with yo’ shits, I’m leaving you!!! (at least for 9 days ;p)”

This is the first time I went on a solo backpacking trip – well, probably not that solo since I have my wonderful friends who catered and took me in like a lost little Indonesian puppy (or maybe cow would be nicer) into their inimitable life and families. I would probably reconsider my trip if I didn’t know anyone at my destined country, you see, I may be a cow but I’m a chickon at heart.

I wouldn’t call myself an expert backpacker, not even close to a beginner – as I don’t even own that huge backpack that is necessary and use by every true backpacker – yes, I sadly have to admit I borrowed the bag from my friend (thank you Ivan, hehe) – plus, I always have this thing with OVER PACKING, I’m a girl (yes, that sad gender-stereotyped excuse) and I keep on thinking more clothes are better that less, plus the fact that I wish I can bring my whole clothes with me! Well, the good thing about over packing tho, you won’t be able to shop that much since you know the little space left inside your bag, hehe.

 

Preparing for the most awesome adventure everrr…

Taaa-daa! Now, If you are wondering, I went to Kuala Lumpur the capital of Malaysia, Manila the capital of Philippines, and Singapore the capital of, oh well, Singapore of course. My dates were November 20-28, I left just one day after my official graduation – and no, I’m not inspired by Into the Wild, as I just watched the movie right after I booked tickets and a few days before I left, and I definitely refuse to die in some random truck in Alaska.

With 600-ish Malaysian ringgit (1,8 million IDR), 7000-ish Philippine peso (1,6 million IDR), and 100 Singapore dollar (600,000-ish IDR)… off I go to the foreign yet convivial world.

My route was: Jakarta-Kuala Lumpur (Lion Air) / Kuala Lumpur-Clark (Air Asia) / Manila-Singapore (Tiger Airways) / Singapore-Jakarta (Tiger Airways). I have to tell you that it wasn’t easy finding cheap flights directly from Manila-Jakarta, I missed the promo budget offered by Cebu Pacific Air, but it was actually a lot cheaper to go Manila-Singapore-Jakarta by Tiger Airways than straight Manila-Jakarta by Cebu (even the promo budget that I missed). All and all, I spent 200 USD for 4 flights (2 million IDR).

I spent 3 days in KL (I mis-booked dates, I should’ve spent 4 days in KL!) from Nov 20-23. Nov 23-28 I was in Manila, and Nov 28, I spent 8 hours in transit roaming the CLEAN and NEAT streets of Sing-a-Poh. If you’re wondering how much my budget for hotel was, well you can stop wondering. I have ze best and ze cheapest accommodation in KL & Manila: my friends’ houses, hehe. I’m staying with true Malaysian & Filipino families, and I’m very much humbled by that.

These people that accepted me for 3 days, and 5 days – and took me around, showed me around, accompanied during my stay, putting up with an-annoying-curly-haired-tourist for days in their countries – were practically strangers from foreign countries a year ago. We all stayed in a strange land for one month a year ago, and just like that, I’m happy to say that they are my family now, my brothas and sistahs from another parents :-D *aaawwwwwwwwwwwwww*

HOWEVER, if you don’t have free place to crash during you travel and you are on a budget, I suggest you to go visit www.hostelworld.com (that’s a recommended hostel search from my friend fellow traveler). Or may I suggest you CouchSurfing? (go ask uncle google for that one).

 

TO BE CONTINUE… (with day to day detailed adventure and awesome photos)

 

-Deisha Tamar

Bandung, Dec 13 2011

Faux Pas

When you are still awake at this hour, lying in your bed, unable to move or look around. Feeling guilty and embarrassed to the core of your bones. What have you done last night?

You wish that the morning would stop creeping in from the window in the room. You wish that God somehow made a mistake and remove the sun from the sky, and put the moon back in place. So you can crawl quietly, trying to be invisible, walk away and never look back. What have you done last night?

You wish you never met this person. You wish to never be so infatuated with this person. You wish to have listened to all of your friends and the voice inside your head -- instead of listening to the lucious voice from your genitalia. You wish you didn't consume the booze that knocked you off so bad -- the only thing you remembered was the nightmare you had before you woke up. You wish last night never happened. What have you done last night?

Then the morning come, the afternoon come, you come but yet it felt like hell. The remorse, the regret, the disappointment, the shame -- you started to think that death is the only way. Either your death or the person sleeping next to you. You think you can fake death so easily from watching all those CSI movies. Yet all you are is uneasy, stumbling your own silent thougts, shouting in silence to make them quiet. You can keep your body still, but not the guilt that starts to eat away your soul. What have you done last night?

The person sleeping next to you is now awake. You close your eyes, pretending to sleep and never wakes up. That person is now standing, looking around, moving, touching your shoulder mildly trying to wake you up. This person is about to leave, but you don't know because you're pretending to sleep. Within minutes you're fast asleep, again -- waking up a few hours later, only to find an empty bed with a note: What we have done last night, we should do it again before you leave, or in the future ;-)

Maybe yesterday when you did it, you think you will finally found peace and repentance. But even now as your body decayed six feet under, your shapeless spirit wanders through the earth, still feeling uneasy and remorseful. What have you done last night?

 

-Deisha, Bandung/Nov 7, 2011

Chasing Sunset

I’ve been MIA for quiet some time now, pardon me for my laziness.

Anyways, just want to share you about my backpack trip with three of my high school friends. Well on September, I went to Bali and Gili Trawangan (Lombok) . It was the best trip ever! I spent around 2,5 million rupiah (USD 250) for a week trip. I stayed two days in Bali at a CoucSurfer’s house for free, and travelled to Padang Bai harbor from Bali with bus for 2 hours before crossing with a ferry to Lembar harbor at Lombok. Then took a car ride for another 2 hours to Bangsal harbor that will take you to Gili Trawangan with a smaller boat. The Gili itself consists of three islands, Gili Trawangan, Gili Meno and Gili Air – but the life and heart is in Gili Trawangan.

I stayed at Pondok Wahyu (inn) for only 60,000 rupiah per night (USD 6). I shared the room with my three other friends, we had a very large and nice room with AC and even a larger bathroom with shower! BEST DEAL EVER! We spent four days in Gili, snorkeling and just relaxing at the beach. Oh wait, not too forget partying! I had the most wicked party ever at Gili, waking up with the worst hangover the next day Then we went back to Bali and stayed for one night stay before flying back to Jakarta.

Yes it was such an unforgettable and awesome trip! Would do it again someday.

FYI: If you (Indonesians) go to Gili don’t be surprised if you feel like you’re the foreigners – since there are more foreigners than Indonesians in the island. I don’t really recommend the island for a family vacay, I sort of see it as a party and laidback island – where you can bring your friends and get wild. Don’t forget to travel to Gili Meno and Gili Air, which you can do by boat, I didn’t have time to do it during my stay (well, basically my friends and I were too lazy to do it, haha). The food is quiet expensive, there are food stalls which costs from 10,000 rupiah until 30,000-ish rupiah – but it only opened at night. If you’re looking for cheap food, ask the locals for hidden “warung” or food stalls.

This November I will be having my very first solo backpack trip to Malaysia-Philippine-Singapore, visiting some of my friends in Malaysia and Philippine. CAN’T WAIT! Ttyl.

At Lombok, on the way back to Bali.

Best sunset ever at Gili Trawangan beach

Sunset behind the Rinjani Mountain (next destination: Rinjani Mountain!!)

 

Toodles

-Deisha T

Listen

I will have my thesis defense on Thursday. So until then, maybe i'm gonna be a bit MIA in the blogsphere. Wish me luck so i can get my bachelor of art! Anyway in the mean time, i am currently loving these two music. Heard them at Zara, geez the store at Senayan City really do have good playlist!
Btw, Stradivarius is opening soon at Senayan City, so that's a yay! More yay is i finally found a jeans that FITS MY SIZE, all thanks to the wonderful European sizes by Dorothy Perkins (pictures coming soon).

Brian McKnight, FALLL 5.0:

Beyonce, 1+1:

I loved Beyonce previous album I Am Sasha Fierce, so it's a huge chance i'm gonna go get her newest album: 4. Her songs are wicked for a long day dreaming of that lost long love. But Alicia Keys is my all-time favorite, my idol.

Toodles!

The Wedding Vow

Today I stand confessing my inability to live this life without you

Proclaiming my need to be with you and only you…

 

I wish to be your Cleopatra

I wish to be the Nile to your Egypt,

My heart is so fixated that it stops beating just for you

I randomly kill people just so I can be close to you

Vaguely saying I will not hesitate to even bleed myself for your love

I am like the nothing and I need your something

Believe me when I say I will never get tired of you

When we grow old I will still find your organ arousing

When you are penniless I will still find your humor enriching

It is the love that makes a home, you are my home

Without a comma I declare my perennial love for you

I want you to be a Cesar on my marriage bed

And Adam Levine inside my jeans, singing tunes to my lonesome vagina

If you divorce me someday I promise to stay forever widowed

I promise to make our children look up to you like I always have

You are my rock in this disturbed world

The only lifeboat within this mental ocean

The dock is clear whenever I am with you

Like a lighthouse standing ever so vigorous, you are the way out of this labyrinth heart

 

I will always love you, a thousand folds and more..

source

 

Jakarta, July 30 2011

-Deisha T